This morning I got a text from my friend Liyah. She sends out texts based on something she is studying in scripture almost every day. She hits right on the mark frequently. Thsi one was too good to keep to myself.
“There is nothing more attractive than a woman who has this look of wisdom, and discretion, and nobility and simplicity.” Paul Washer
“Charm is deceitful, and beauty is vain, but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised.” Proverbs 31:30
I then wrote her back,
“You are such a blessing. Last night Nevin and I had another talk about my vanity and insecurities, so this text was very applicable. There are some aspects of aging that really stink, and I am having a hard time moving gracefully into middle age (you know I am going to be 46 in two months, it seems so very old) especially since I think I am only 35 or so!”
Liyah responded,
“I don’t understand it all yet, but I know what God considers beauty. The flesh will die away, but godly character is priceless and that is what is valuable in His sight, and any truly godly man. We haven’t got long to go and we will be home. It seems to me, the inner condition will always accentuate and overshadow the outer. Don’t forget, ma’am, there was a day when it was considered an esteem and honor to be older. Our culture has stolen that joy from a lot of women. Their definition of beauty and womanhood has done women no favors. I’m glad today’s scripture was a blessing. Liyah xx”
I was taken aback at her point about our culture having “stolen that joy from a lot of women.” Isn’t that true? I know when I am fussing about my roots coming in, or my little meno-pot belly, or what is that under my chin that I sure don’t take joy in how God made me. And I have come to the realization of my sin of vanity, and how it pulls me away from God – how I spend more time worrying about my OUTSIDE than working on my INSIDE – my relationship with the Lord, my time in study and prayer.
Anyway, just some deep thoughts before bedtime. Or not deep. I seriously moisturize, I want to eat healthy and exercise, but I am trying to keep it in perspective. I just thought Liyah’s words were too good to not share.
Showing posts with label growing older. Show all posts
Showing posts with label growing older. Show all posts
Wednesday, October 5, 2011
Sunday, January 9, 2011
Dealing with those goals things..
Even though my "organizational" goals are pretty humdrum, they do seem to be a humdrum that is common to most people. Therefore, they may be worth discussing a bit.
Goal #1 for 2011:
"To get back to my Weight Watchers goal weight and maintain it - I am 10 lbs over right now (yikes!)."
My journey with Weight Watchers has been humbling for me. After having four children in 6 1/2 years - all in my 30s, I might add - I was putting on some "mom weight". I was not overweight - still within WW guidelines for a healthy weight for my height (just barely, though). So, I joined WW in April of 2008, and was very gung ho. The weight just dropped off. I threw myself into it. I had had gestational diabetes with three of my pregnancies, so I was familiar with planning meals, counting starches, fats, etc. Weight Watchers is MUCH less restrictive than the diabetes diet I was on. My goal was to get to 140. I was at 152. Not a huge loss, but honestly, I did not think I could do it.
I really, really, really like to eat.
Anyway, I started losing and just kept going. I got down to - get this - 125. A skinny size 6. And boy, did I feel good about myself!
I maintained that for about a year, and then suddenly....well, I am not going to go into a lot of detail, but let's just say the changing hormone age hit me early and with a vengenance. And in one month I gained 5 lbs. THAT is discouraging! The next month I gained a few more. Then I reached the "what's the use!" stage and practiced the program sort of half-heartedly for the next year. I eat basically healthy, I usually track what I eat, etc., etc. But I quit going to the meetings. I know my portion sizes started creeping up again, and the ability to only have one cookie seemed to evaporate.
So right now, I am 11 lbs over goal - almost back where I started. I feel differently now, though, than I did three years ago. In 2008 I felt FAT. I felt dumpy, and dull. I don't feel that way now. I'd still definitely like to get back to my goal of 140, but I do not want to get back down to 125 again. I gave away all my 6's and told my friends that if I ever get that thin again it will be due to a wasting disease and I am just going to wear sweats in that situation! But basically, I feel good about myself. I know I've blogged before about turning 45, aging gracefully, and all that, so I am not going there again. My main focus is to get back to eating healthier. Now, by "healthier" I go with the idea of being "healthy enough". I get my daily requirements of fruits and veggies, protein, dairy and healthy oils. I take my vitamin supplement. I try to eat my daily requirements before I eat goodies. And I am limiting my sweets and fried foods. But I am limiting them - not eliminating them. That is one of the reasons I like WW so much - nothing is forbidden, but you have to think about the point value of say, a biscuit as compared to...well, just about anything else! Think about whether to have seconds on country fried steak. Balancing out each day. Be aware of portion sizes. Eat when I am hungry, not just because something is there.
It is harder now than even a couple years ago. And since I had my children "late" we are still in the kid stage - lots of activities that involve going out. We also really enjoying fellowshipping with others, and that always seems to include a meal. I won't give that up. I want to enjoy eating, and enjoy fellowshipping, and I refuse to be one of those people who picks apart all the food at a potluck. And, if I go to the WW meetings, and stick with the program, little by little I will get back to my goal weight. But the focus is on being "healthy enough" - not obsessing over my food, my weight, my size - getting enough exercise, being active, being able to work and play and serve and enjoy life. That doesn't seem like it should be too hard!
Goal #1 for 2011:
"To get back to my Weight Watchers goal weight and maintain it - I am 10 lbs over right now (yikes!)."
My journey with Weight Watchers has been humbling for me. After having four children in 6 1/2 years - all in my 30s, I might add - I was putting on some "mom weight". I was not overweight - still within WW guidelines for a healthy weight for my height (just barely, though). So, I joined WW in April of 2008, and was very gung ho. The weight just dropped off. I threw myself into it. I had had gestational diabetes with three of my pregnancies, so I was familiar with planning meals, counting starches, fats, etc. Weight Watchers is MUCH less restrictive than the diabetes diet I was on. My goal was to get to 140. I was at 152. Not a huge loss, but honestly, I did not think I could do it.
I really, really, really like to eat.
Anyway, I started losing and just kept going. I got down to - get this - 125. A skinny size 6. And boy, did I feel good about myself!
I maintained that for about a year, and then suddenly....well, I am not going to go into a lot of detail, but let's just say the changing hormone age hit me early and with a vengenance. And in one month I gained 5 lbs. THAT is discouraging! The next month I gained a few more. Then I reached the "what's the use!" stage and practiced the program sort of half-heartedly for the next year. I eat basically healthy, I usually track what I eat, etc., etc. But I quit going to the meetings. I know my portion sizes started creeping up again, and the ability to only have one cookie seemed to evaporate.
So right now, I am 11 lbs over goal - almost back where I started. I feel differently now, though, than I did three years ago. In 2008 I felt FAT. I felt dumpy, and dull. I don't feel that way now. I'd still definitely like to get back to my goal of 140, but I do not want to get back down to 125 again. I gave away all my 6's and told my friends that if I ever get that thin again it will be due to a wasting disease and I am just going to wear sweats in that situation! But basically, I feel good about myself. I know I've blogged before about turning 45, aging gracefully, and all that, so I am not going there again. My main focus is to get back to eating healthier. Now, by "healthier" I go with the idea of being "healthy enough". I get my daily requirements of fruits and veggies, protein, dairy and healthy oils. I take my vitamin supplement. I try to eat my daily requirements before I eat goodies. And I am limiting my sweets and fried foods. But I am limiting them - not eliminating them. That is one of the reasons I like WW so much - nothing is forbidden, but you have to think about the point value of say, a biscuit as compared to...well, just about anything else! Think about whether to have seconds on country fried steak. Balancing out each day. Be aware of portion sizes. Eat when I am hungry, not just because something is there.
It is harder now than even a couple years ago. And since I had my children "late" we are still in the kid stage - lots of activities that involve going out. We also really enjoying fellowshipping with others, and that always seems to include a meal. I won't give that up. I want to enjoy eating, and enjoy fellowshipping, and I refuse to be one of those people who picks apart all the food at a potluck. And, if I go to the WW meetings, and stick with the program, little by little I will get back to my goal weight. But the focus is on being "healthy enough" - not obsessing over my food, my weight, my size - getting enough exercise, being active, being able to work and play and serve and enjoy life. That doesn't seem like it should be too hard!
Friday, January 7, 2011
Goals, goals, goals...and Great Grandma
I refuse to call them resolutions - I don't know why, maybe just because everyone else does, or because I want to join some of the backlash against resolutions!
I did force myself to sit down and make some goals for the year. I hate to admit it, but the things that most come to mind are goals of the "organizational" type. I feel like I have so many irons in the fire, and so many things going on, and I am so easily distracted that I have lots of things "sort of" completed. I go back and forth on things - for a while I will do really well with a very solid cleaning schedule, for example, but then I will get tired of having to be "regimented". Start talking in my head about freedom in Christ, that sort of thing.
I don't really believe that freedom in Christ = don't bother to clean house, but I can go on some tangents when it is just me and my head sometimes.
But here are the goals I came up:
1. To get back to my Weight Watchers goal weight and maintain it - I am 10 lbs over right now (yikes!).
2. Make getting all the schoolwork done a priority for the boys.
3. Follow through with my Bible reading plan.
4. Have housework done before I play on computer.
5. Exercise at least 3 times a week, besides my regular "on my feet all day" stuff.
6. Keep the school records current, so I don't have to face a month of stuff to log.
7. Have more families over for fellowship at our house.
8. Stay with a regular cleaning schedule.
9. Be consistent with the boys - in discipline, in chores, in everything!
Well, THAT is a dull list! Those don't even seem like they should be goals - those should be givens.
What is my real goal this year?
I wanna be more like Grandma.
This week we went to visit Nevin's Grandma K. She turns 96 today. In the 16 years we have been married, I have never heard this woman complain. Any time I'd see her she'd hold my hand and tell my about Otto, her husband who passed away about 15 years ago. I had only gotten to meet him once, after he had had a stroke, so I never knew the guy in the stories, and it sounds like I have really missed something there. Grandma always made a point of telling us how lucky she was. She had such good neighbors, she got to be in her own house, her children all came home to help her regularly. She is always encouraging, and always so happy to see us. She came to the United States with her parents and five siblings when she was 8 years old, in 1923, and has some fantastic stories about coming through Ellis Island, and how her parents had them learn English right away. She has always been close to her sisters and brother, all of them ending up living in the same area of Iowa.
But now she is the last of the siblings, and a few weeks before Christmas she told her children that it was time for her to leave her home. She just couldn't take care of herself anymore. So, she is now settled into a very nice, very "homey" home, where she is getting wonderful care. But still, she misses her house - she had lived there 70+ years, and raised all four of her children there.
You would think that this would be an opportunity to complain. But no. She just says she misses her house, but then she looks up and says, "They are so good to me in this place. The food is wonderful, they take care of me. They come to my room to get me every day, because I do everything that I am asked to." She participates in all the activities, is making friends with some of the other residents (though she did tell us one woman was not happy there...."I think that she thinks she is important," Grandma says matter-of-factly). She was so happy because her children would be there this weekend for her birthday - they were going to have it in the party room, which is very nice.
As we were driving back to the hotel, I was thinking over the "burdens" that I complain about. The people who rub me the wrong way, the things that don't go my way, the things I'd like to do and don't have time for, the things that need to be done that I don't want to do, having to eat where the kids want to eat...blah, blah, blah.
I have absolutely nothing to complain about. And even if I did, exactly what use is complaining?
Grandma doesn't talk a lot about her religion - she lives it. She is kind and gracious, she is pleasant. When she was younger and able she served her family and her community. And now, at 96, in a whole new place, she serves in a new way.
So this year, as I know that my real goal is to grow more like Christ, I also want that to look like Grandma, too.
I did force myself to sit down and make some goals for the year. I hate to admit it, but the things that most come to mind are goals of the "organizational" type. I feel like I have so many irons in the fire, and so many things going on, and I am so easily distracted that I have lots of things "sort of" completed. I go back and forth on things - for a while I will do really well with a very solid cleaning schedule, for example, but then I will get tired of having to be "regimented". Start talking in my head about freedom in Christ, that sort of thing.
I don't really believe that freedom in Christ = don't bother to clean house, but I can go on some tangents when it is just me and my head sometimes.
But here are the goals I came up:
1. To get back to my Weight Watchers goal weight and maintain it - I am 10 lbs over right now (yikes!).
2. Make getting all the schoolwork done a priority for the boys.
3. Follow through with my Bible reading plan.
4. Have housework done before I play on computer.
5. Exercise at least 3 times a week, besides my regular "on my feet all day" stuff.
6. Keep the school records current, so I don't have to face a month of stuff to log.
7. Have more families over for fellowship at our house.
8. Stay with a regular cleaning schedule.
9. Be consistent with the boys - in discipline, in chores, in everything!
Well, THAT is a dull list! Those don't even seem like they should be goals - those should be givens.
What is my real goal this year?
I wanna be more like Grandma.
This week we went to visit Nevin's Grandma K. She turns 96 today. In the 16 years we have been married, I have never heard this woman complain. Any time I'd see her she'd hold my hand and tell my about Otto, her husband who passed away about 15 years ago. I had only gotten to meet him once, after he had had a stroke, so I never knew the guy in the stories, and it sounds like I have really missed something there. Grandma always made a point of telling us how lucky she was. She had such good neighbors, she got to be in her own house, her children all came home to help her regularly. She is always encouraging, and always so happy to see us. She came to the United States with her parents and five siblings when she was 8 years old, in 1923, and has some fantastic stories about coming through Ellis Island, and how her parents had them learn English right away. She has always been close to her sisters and brother, all of them ending up living in the same area of Iowa.
But now she is the last of the siblings, and a few weeks before Christmas she told her children that it was time for her to leave her home. She just couldn't take care of herself anymore. So, she is now settled into a very nice, very "homey" home, where she is getting wonderful care. But still, she misses her house - she had lived there 70+ years, and raised all four of her children there.
You would think that this would be an opportunity to complain. But no. She just says she misses her house, but then she looks up and says, "They are so good to me in this place. The food is wonderful, they take care of me. They come to my room to get me every day, because I do everything that I am asked to." She participates in all the activities, is making friends with some of the other residents (though she did tell us one woman was not happy there...."I think that she thinks she is important," Grandma says matter-of-factly). She was so happy because her children would be there this weekend for her birthday - they were going to have it in the party room, which is very nice.
As we were driving back to the hotel, I was thinking over the "burdens" that I complain about. The people who rub me the wrong way, the things that don't go my way, the things I'd like to do and don't have time for, the things that need to be done that I don't want to do, having to eat where the kids want to eat...blah, blah, blah.
I have absolutely nothing to complain about. And even if I did, exactly what use is complaining?
Grandma doesn't talk a lot about her religion - she lives it. She is kind and gracious, she is pleasant. When she was younger and able she served her family and her community. And now, at 96, in a whole new place, she serves in a new way.
 |
| Grandma, with some flowers we brought. She was so delighted with such a simple thing. |
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| Grandma with her grandson and four great-grandsons. |
Thursday, December 9, 2010
Be Who God Made You to Be
This quote comes from The Chloe Chronicles, a blog I follow:
...it's never too late or...too early to be whoever you want to be. There's no time limit; stop whenever you want. You can change or stay the same... We can make the best or the worst of it. I hope you make the best of it. And I hope you see things that startle you. I hope you feel things you never felt before. I hope you meet people with a different point of view. I hope you live a life you're proud of. If you find that you're not, I hope you have the strength to start all over again.
Do you hear that, friends? You can be whoever you want. I am not talking about tossing the kids and family aside because you really want to be an astronaut or something. This is about being yourself - whoever that may be. Whoever God in His sovereignty created you to be - not being trapped in whatever image or expectations other people have put on you. Or even the ones you have made up in your own head, that you just THINK others expect. I mean it - maybe no one has actually SAID that you must do thus-and-such, but you are just assuming that they are spending their valuable time worrying about how you live. Chew on that for a few minutes and get back to me.
Who are you? Are you comfortable with who you are? Are you in the relationship with God that you want? Are you following His leading in all aspects of your life? Do you have sin in your life that you are not willing to face, to repent of, to be forgiven for? Is change that scary?
Are you willing to face your doubts and insecurities? Are you willing to tell someone how you truly feel, even if could get uncomfortable? How about share a struggle, even if it might make you look bad? Are you too embarassed to tell someone that you love them?
Do you sing praises with gusto, even if you aren't much of a singer? How about lifting your hands in worship, even when you are alone?
What about when there is someone else who will see?
Are you learning the things that you want to learn - be it a new art form, a skill, a topic of study? If not - why not?
Are you meeting new people, engaging new ideas (even with people of other denominations or political persuasions - oooh, scary!), stretching your mind, learning about ideas that conflict with your own, so that you can come out stronger on the other side?
Do you dress the way you are comfortable, listen to the music you enjoy, eat the foods you like, read the books that challenge you, parent your children as God leads you - or are you following the leading of some other (fallible) person that you think knows better than you? I am not talking about issues of obvious sin - of course we want to be influenced by those who are living Godly, serving lives, who set an example for us. That is different. But do you let someone else set up extra-Biblical, legalistic boundaries for you to live in?
Do you have a "church" face, and a "family" face, and even an "extended family" face? It is not nice to make faces, you know!
Are you putting on a show for others, because you have an image that you want to project - are you trying to convince people that you are something you are not? Why? Aren't you good enough?
Do you let the opinions of others shape you to where you don't even recognize your own God-designed shape anymore?
For whatever reason, God has laid these thoughts on my heart today. I am asking myself these questions. You are just getting to hear me think out loud.
...it's never too late or...too early to be whoever you want to be. There's no time limit; stop whenever you want. You can change or stay the same... We can make the best or the worst of it. I hope you make the best of it. And I hope you see things that startle you. I hope you feel things you never felt before. I hope you meet people with a different point of view. I hope you live a life you're proud of. If you find that you're not, I hope you have the strength to start all over again.
Do you hear that, friends? You can be whoever you want. I am not talking about tossing the kids and family aside because you really want to be an astronaut or something. This is about being yourself - whoever that may be. Whoever God in His sovereignty created you to be - not being trapped in whatever image or expectations other people have put on you. Or even the ones you have made up in your own head, that you just THINK others expect. I mean it - maybe no one has actually SAID that you must do thus-and-such, but you are just assuming that they are spending their valuable time worrying about how you live. Chew on that for a few minutes and get back to me.
Who are you? Are you comfortable with who you are? Are you in the relationship with God that you want? Are you following His leading in all aspects of your life? Do you have sin in your life that you are not willing to face, to repent of, to be forgiven for? Is change that scary?
Are you willing to face your doubts and insecurities? Are you willing to tell someone how you truly feel, even if could get uncomfortable? How about share a struggle, even if it might make you look bad? Are you too embarassed to tell someone that you love them?
Do you sing praises with gusto, even if you aren't much of a singer? How about lifting your hands in worship, even when you are alone?
What about when there is someone else who will see?
Are you learning the things that you want to learn - be it a new art form, a skill, a topic of study? If not - why not?
Are you meeting new people, engaging new ideas (even with people of other denominations or political persuasions - oooh, scary!), stretching your mind, learning about ideas that conflict with your own, so that you can come out stronger on the other side?
Do you dress the way you are comfortable, listen to the music you enjoy, eat the foods you like, read the books that challenge you, parent your children as God leads you - or are you following the leading of some other (fallible) person that you think knows better than you? I am not talking about issues of obvious sin - of course we want to be influenced by those who are living Godly, serving lives, who set an example for us. That is different. But do you let someone else set up extra-Biblical, legalistic boundaries for you to live in?
Do you have a "church" face, and a "family" face, and even an "extended family" face? It is not nice to make faces, you know!
Are you putting on a show for others, because you have an image that you want to project - are you trying to convince people that you are something you are not? Why? Aren't you good enough?
Do you let the opinions of others shape you to where you don't even recognize your own God-designed shape anymore?
For whatever reason, God has laid these thoughts on my heart today. I am asking myself these questions. You are just getting to hear me think out loud.
Thursday, December 2, 2010
The Middle Ages
Yesterday I asked my mother if I would be “officially” middle-aged today, as it is my 45th birthday. She informed me that since the average lifespan for American women is 85, I have actually been middle-aged for 2 ½ years.
Well, let the celebrations begin!
Actually, turning 45 is pretty interesting. I don’t feel old at all, even though many people my age are grandparents. Nevin and I got married later (28) and started having children later (32), so my sons are 12, 10, 7 and 6. I am just now entering the “middle school” age, while still learning with a kindergartener.
I do feel caught in the middle at times. My “child rearing” contemporaries are mainly younger – most in their early 30s. My friends my own age, however, mostly have children who are late teens. So our paths rarely pass at playgroups. Sometimes when I realize that I am almost (!) old enough to be the mother or some of my friends, it takes me aback a bit.
One of the things that I have been facing this year is my own vanity. I realize that many, many women all over the world are facing much worse issues, but this has been a struggle for me. Being confronted with my own sin is always difficult, but being confronted with my own sin and a sagging jaw line at the same time can really wear on the spirit.
I will admit it – I have always taken pride in my appearance. I have always tried to present myself well, most of my life I was very thin (thin=beautiful, you know) and while I’ll never be on a magazine cover, I thought I usually looked pretty good.
The first gray hairs didn’t bother me. As they have increased, I find them very interesting, but they still don’t really upset me. I don’t see myself ever coloring my hair. I am 45; it is okay to be going gray. And I am too lazy to keep up with roots, so there you go.
The creasing around the eyes was okay. Those are laugh lines. Varicose veins? No problem, now I know why women my age wear Bermuda shorts. Lots of fashion options.
Hmmm, my eyes are getting smaller, though. I wonder what has happened to my eyelids?
Weight gain – ack! I have gone from someone who could eat anything and still be thin to someone who counts my Points every day – just to stay where I am. I am not particularly unhappy with my current weight and body shape – some things (c-section scars for instance!) are badges of honor to a body being worn out in service. I think that as I am seeing the need for diligence in what I eat, and seeing parts of my face sliding down, that I am not so much distressed about my present, but sort of anxious about my future….
This is probably the time of life that I really need to focus on some regular exercise. I’d like to, I really would. You hear such marvelous things about women my age who start exercising and have wonderful results. Of course, by my age most of those women no longer have small children in the home to care for, or are homeschooling four children who still need my attention, or any of the myriad of excuses I can use. I guess my main excuse is that I am on my feet a lot of the day, I am physically and mentally tired by the time I go to bed, and when I do have free time I don’t want to use it on the treadmill or with my Weight Watchers exercise dvd. I want to read things on the computer, visit with friends, enjoy some fellowship, or pursue my intellectual interests.
Now there is a difficult choice at times – take time to pursue reading and scholarship or exercise. I feel like I never get to read and study enough, and my husband is very gracious in never criticizing a messy home, decorated in stacks of books. I do get plenty of time to read. I choose to use that time to read instead of exercise. I LIKE it better.
But I know that as an “older mother” with four active boys, I will need to still be in good shape ten years from now, when Henry is 16 and I am 55. I have taken steps in eating better, even including dreaded “Healthy Goals” each day (5 servings fruit and veggies, 2 servings dairy, etc.) and reading vitamin catalogs with interest. I’ve eliminated artificial sweeteners, and am considering a purchase of coconut oil in lieu of my beloved Butter Flavor Crisco next time I am in Schnucks (thanks to Sherrie E., my healthy-eating guru!).
I am trying, people!
So, dealing with the basic vanity, dealing with health and body issues, dealing with the idea of dressing like a 45 year old woman, and all that entails. But more than that, there are the spiritual aspects of growing older.
I don’t just want to get old. I want to get wise. I want to grow old in the wisdom of Christ. I want to be able to share this with the younger women. I want to be able to minister to those around me – not so they will be impressed by “me” and “my” knowledge, but so that I can serve Christ through serving them. I have felt this calling on my life very strongly in the last year or so, but I am not sure how it plays out in the real world. I don’t always want to be known as “Paula with really big earrings” (though I do love big earrings!) but as “Paula who loves Christ and others”. I want to be known for my countenance, and for a gentle spirit.
If God can part the Red Sea, surely He can give me a gentle spirit, right? RIGHT???
But I know that God in His sovereignty will give to me the gifts that can best be used to serve Him. I know this. And I know that the Holy Spirit dwells in me, and the fruits of the Spirit are there for the picking, if I only cultivate them. When I look at who I was when Christ saved me, and look at who I am today, I truly see a miracle. Not that I am so wonderful now, by any means, but that I was really a mess back then. Not only just by Godly standards – even by the world’s standards, I was a mess.
But God is gracious; He has been gentle in His leading. The bumps I have hit have mainly been of my own making, through my own sin. And when I am in pain from my sin, and I repent and cry out to Him, He is faithful to forgive. Again and again. And we go on.
So, what is the goal?
“likewise also that women should adorn themselves in respectable apparel, with modesty and self-control, not with braided hair and gold or pearls or costly attire, but with what is proper for women who profess godliness – with good works.” 1 Tim 2:9-10
“Older women likewise are to be reverent in behavior, not slanderers or slaves to too much wine. They are to teach what is good, and so train the young women to love their husbands and children, to be self-controlled, pure, working at home, kind and submissive to their own husbands, that the word of God may not be reviled.” Titus 2:3-5 (emphasis added is mine)
So much more scripture on this topic – I’ll save that for another day. For today, the goal is that in whatever I do, the word of God is not reviled. Christ is honored.
That is the goal.
Well, let the celebrations begin!
Actually, turning 45 is pretty interesting. I don’t feel old at all, even though many people my age are grandparents. Nevin and I got married later (28) and started having children later (32), so my sons are 12, 10, 7 and 6. I am just now entering the “middle school” age, while still learning with a kindergartener.
I do feel caught in the middle at times. My “child rearing” contemporaries are mainly younger – most in their early 30s. My friends my own age, however, mostly have children who are late teens. So our paths rarely pass at playgroups. Sometimes when I realize that I am almost (!) old enough to be the mother or some of my friends, it takes me aback a bit.
One of the things that I have been facing this year is my own vanity. I realize that many, many women all over the world are facing much worse issues, but this has been a struggle for me. Being confronted with my own sin is always difficult, but being confronted with my own sin and a sagging jaw line at the same time can really wear on the spirit.
I will admit it – I have always taken pride in my appearance. I have always tried to present myself well, most of my life I was very thin (thin=beautiful, you know) and while I’ll never be on a magazine cover, I thought I usually looked pretty good.
The first gray hairs didn’t bother me. As they have increased, I find them very interesting, but they still don’t really upset me. I don’t see myself ever coloring my hair. I am 45; it is okay to be going gray. And I am too lazy to keep up with roots, so there you go.
The creasing around the eyes was okay. Those are laugh lines. Varicose veins? No problem, now I know why women my age wear Bermuda shorts. Lots of fashion options.
Hmmm, my eyes are getting smaller, though. I wonder what has happened to my eyelids?
Weight gain – ack! I have gone from someone who could eat anything and still be thin to someone who counts my Points every day – just to stay where I am. I am not particularly unhappy with my current weight and body shape – some things (c-section scars for instance!) are badges of honor to a body being worn out in service. I think that as I am seeing the need for diligence in what I eat, and seeing parts of my face sliding down, that I am not so much distressed about my present, but sort of anxious about my future….
This is probably the time of life that I really need to focus on some regular exercise. I’d like to, I really would. You hear such marvelous things about women my age who start exercising and have wonderful results. Of course, by my age most of those women no longer have small children in the home to care for, or are homeschooling four children who still need my attention, or any of the myriad of excuses I can use. I guess my main excuse is that I am on my feet a lot of the day, I am physically and mentally tired by the time I go to bed, and when I do have free time I don’t want to use it on the treadmill or with my Weight Watchers exercise dvd. I want to read things on the computer, visit with friends, enjoy some fellowship, or pursue my intellectual interests.
Now there is a difficult choice at times – take time to pursue reading and scholarship or exercise. I feel like I never get to read and study enough, and my husband is very gracious in never criticizing a messy home, decorated in stacks of books. I do get plenty of time to read. I choose to use that time to read instead of exercise. I LIKE it better.
But I know that as an “older mother” with four active boys, I will need to still be in good shape ten years from now, when Henry is 16 and I am 55. I have taken steps in eating better, even including dreaded “Healthy Goals” each day (5 servings fruit and veggies, 2 servings dairy, etc.) and reading vitamin catalogs with interest. I’ve eliminated artificial sweeteners, and am considering a purchase of coconut oil in lieu of my beloved Butter Flavor Crisco next time I am in Schnucks (thanks to Sherrie E., my healthy-eating guru!).
I am trying, people!
So, dealing with the basic vanity, dealing with health and body issues, dealing with the idea of dressing like a 45 year old woman, and all that entails. But more than that, there are the spiritual aspects of growing older.
I don’t just want to get old. I want to get wise. I want to grow old in the wisdom of Christ. I want to be able to share this with the younger women. I want to be able to minister to those around me – not so they will be impressed by “me” and “my” knowledge, but so that I can serve Christ through serving them. I have felt this calling on my life very strongly in the last year or so, but I am not sure how it plays out in the real world. I don’t always want to be known as “Paula with really big earrings” (though I do love big earrings!) but as “Paula who loves Christ and others”. I want to be known for my countenance, and for a gentle spirit.
If God can part the Red Sea, surely He can give me a gentle spirit, right? RIGHT???
But I know that God in His sovereignty will give to me the gifts that can best be used to serve Him. I know this. And I know that the Holy Spirit dwells in me, and the fruits of the Spirit are there for the picking, if I only cultivate them. When I look at who I was when Christ saved me, and look at who I am today, I truly see a miracle. Not that I am so wonderful now, by any means, but that I was really a mess back then. Not only just by Godly standards – even by the world’s standards, I was a mess.
But God is gracious; He has been gentle in His leading. The bumps I have hit have mainly been of my own making, through my own sin. And when I am in pain from my sin, and I repent and cry out to Him, He is faithful to forgive. Again and again. And we go on.
So, what is the goal?
“likewise also that women should adorn themselves in respectable apparel, with modesty and self-control, not with braided hair and gold or pearls or costly attire, but with what is proper for women who profess godliness – with good works.” 1 Tim 2:9-10
“Older women likewise are to be reverent in behavior, not slanderers or slaves to too much wine. They are to teach what is good, and so train the young women to love their husbands and children, to be self-controlled, pure, working at home, kind and submissive to their own husbands, that the word of God may not be reviled.” Titus 2:3-5 (emphasis added is mine)
So much more scripture on this topic – I’ll save that for another day. For today, the goal is that in whatever I do, the word of God is not reviled. Christ is honored.
That is the goal.
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