"Lord, make me a woman who loves."

"Lord, make me a woman who loves."

This has been an ongoing prayer.  I have always known that I am to love others, but I have been absolutely convicted for some time  that I need to truly LOVE people - that this is a glaring sin in my life, and the Lord keeps bringing it right in front of me.  I don't want to say, or even think, "...of course I love everyone, but there are some people that I just don't like," or any of that.  I think that is a cop-out.  I acknowledge that in practical terms there will be some people that I have more in common with, have mutual friends with, etc. And, I will probably spend more time in those peoples' company.  I will even admit that there are some people who are difficult to be around - for various reasons.  Is it okay to not hang around them?  Sometimes, I think.  If I am not able to respond to them in a Christ-like and loving manner, then maybe I should remove myself from the opportunity to sin.  Does that give me a pass, though?  NO.  The fact that I cannot respond to someone in a loving manner is not a reflection on THEM - it is a reflection on ME.  It is MY sin.

In every situation, I try to look at my role.  Sometimes this is easy.  Sometimes I can just note that I need repent and ask God to give me the supernatural ability to be more patient and loving.  Often, I can see where I was quick to judge and criticize (even if I don't say it out loud).  

Sometimes, though, it is difficult.  When I feel like someone has wronged me - especially when dealing with someone who is being passive-aggressive, where you know they are digging at you, but it is being done so subtly that you really can't call them on it.  That is the sort of thing that can feel like grit in your soul.  But what is my role in this?  Even if I did nothing to provoke it, I still have a role - my role is my response.  Do I get angry, and then go on a vent against them?  Do I turn it over (and over and over) in my head, sucking up my day with my grievances?   Do I pray for God to "fix" them?

Or do I turn to my Savior, and beg Him to take this anger from me, and to replace it with love and compassion. 

Honestly?  Sometimes the former, sometimes the latter.  But I want it to be the latter.  I want my actions and my thoughts to be glorifying to God.  You know what I really want?  I want for it to not even be an issue - to be so filled with love for my brothers and sisters that I don't even see their wrongs.  I want their "sandpaper" to rub me smooth.

 

I recognize that I am also sandpaper for others, but I am going to leave that for another post, on another day!

I am blessed to have a "slightly" older woman who holds me accountable.  We are close in chronological age, but she is years ahead of me in her walk with the Lord.  Last week during a prayer meeting she cried out to God to give her a heart to love people the way she should, the way He does.  This has been my own prayer, and when I heard it spoken out loud it became like a searing flash across my heart.  Oh Lord, how critical I am.  How easily offended I can be.  How impatient, and unloving.  Lord, let me see others as you see them.  As you have loved and forgiven me, let me love them.  Give me a compassionate heart, instead of a critical one.  Lord, if I see a brother or sister in sin, let me be grieved over it.  Let me take it to You, let me intercede for them.  Let me not tell others about it, or complain about it.  God, if you lead me to confront them, let it be done in humility, in love, not in self-righteousness.

Beloved, let us love one another, for love is from God, and whoever loves has been born of God and knows God.  Anyone who does not love does not know God, because God is love.  In this the love of God was made manifest among us, that God sent his only Son into the world, so that we might live through him.  In this is love, not that we have loved God but that he loved us and sent his Son to be the propitiation for our sins.  Beloved, if God so loved us, we also ought to love one another.  No one has ever seen God; if we love one another, God abides in us and his love is perfected in us.

If anyone says, "I love God" and hates his brother, he is a liar; for he who does not love his brother whom he has seen cannot love God whom he has not seen.  And this commandment we have from him: whoever loves God must also love his brother.

1 John 4:7-12, 20-21  ESV

A final thought on goals (and I really mean it)!

So, now a few weeks into it, and how am I doing????

1. To get back to my Weight Watchers goal weight and maintain it - I am 10 lbs over right now (yikes!).
I have been staying within my Points and weighing in each week - the last two weeks I was down. .6 pounds each week.  This is good - as much as I'd like that 10 pounds to disappear immediately, I know that slow and steady is the way to go, and that will be easier to maintain.

2. Make getting all the schoolwork done a priority for the boys.
So far, so good.  I have re-vamped our schedule a bit, revised my expectations some, and looked at what are the basics we need to accomplish each day. 
3. Follow through with my Bible reading plan.
On track, making it my first priority each day.  I am really blessed to see how Tony is staying on track with his, and making sure it is done each day.  He sets aside time and goes by himself to study. 

4. Have housework done before I play on computer.
I think someone else must have snuck that one in! 

5. Exercise at least 3 times a week, besides my regular "on my feet all day" stuff.
Let's just say it is still a "goal", not an accomplishment.  Getting better, though.  I have found that if I do it first thing I seem to get more out of it.

6. Keep the school records current, so I don't have to face a month of stuff to log.
Doing better, everything is current up to Thursday of this past week, and I am finding time in the day to sit down and work on it.

7. Have more families over for fellowship at our house.
Have had people over this month, have plans for more, hosting the homeschool book club this week, tentative plans with some other moms and kids - this is really more of an ongoing goal, since we do have friends and family over frequently. 

8. Stay with a regular cleaning schedule.
This is probably more what I mean by "housework before computer" - these two goals are basically the same!  Back with the Flylady, though not quite as ambitious as she is.  But we are doing better with putting things away when we get them out, at least!

9. Be consistent with the boys - in discipline, in chores, in everything!
I hadn't addressed this individually - I guess it doesn't need much explanation. 

Okay, maybe it does.

I know that there are some who think that homeschool families fall into a form of idolatry with their children.  Well, maybe some do, but I think you can see that in all kinds of families, no matter what form of education they choose.  We do not idolize our children.  However - our family is first God-centered, and then family-centered.  And our family just happens to have a lot of young boys in it! 

We have these children in our homes for such a short period of time.  My oldest is almost 13, and when I think of how fast the last 13 years have gone by, and I look at only having another 5-6 years ahead to train him, I could go into full-blown panic.  But, the Lord reminds me that this is HIS child, He has marked out Tony's days before the creation of the Earth.  Nevin and I are to train Tony (and his brothers) up, to guide them, love them, instruct them, and then to let them go out into the world. 

Back to the consistency - it is hard!  Sometimes it is easier just to do the chore myself than to have to remind (remind, remind) others to do it, but then all they are learning is that if they turn a deaf ear and wait me out, they get out of work.  Sometimes it is easier to say I am being "merciful" when I don't discipline them, when really, I am just being lazy.  It is no fun to have to stop what I am doing and address someone's bad behavior.  Especially when I am going to come out of it as the "bad mom" or even the "mean mom".  Joe used to tell me that I was a "terrible mudder" when he was younger.  Ah, the joys of motherhood....!

BUT - it needs to be done.  There is no need to be rigid, but we need to be consistent.  Consistent bedtimes, consistent waking up, a regular routine of school and chores, and then lots of time to relax, dream, read, play, build, and just follow our own little plans for the day.  So this is another of those ongoing goals, and sometimes I do really well with it, and sometimes the whole system falls into chaos and anarchy. 

And then I just ask the Lord for strength for another day, forgiveness for where I've fallen short, and get up and try again. 

And now, just because Joe and Ben thought I should put some of their Lego designs on the internet, here are pictures of the ships they built the other day, as part of our Lego lapbook project!

Ben's boat, I believe that is a crab trap and the shark wants the crabs.

A little more detail, with additional endangered creatures being captured.

I mentioned to Joe that I didn't think a square boat would float, and he became very annoyed with me and my lack of vision. 

Goal #5...

Exercise at least 3 times a week, besides my regular "on my feet all day" stuff.


Okay, this is a problem.  I hate - can I say "hate" - exercising.  I like to go for walks, but there are no roadways to walk on.  We live in a rural area, no sidewalks, barely even a shoulder on the road.  I really don't want my four sons to be walking down that road, probably wandering into the traffic lane, where cars come zooommmmiiinnng over the hill at you.  We can hike through our woods, but you really can't do that every day.  I have a very nice treadmill, but I don't feel like using it.  I have started stacking my magazines on it.  The idea is that I can ONLY read magazines while on the treadmill.  So, I have a stack of new, unread magazines.  This is really not working.  I tried using an exercise dvd and the boys laughed at me. 

Here's the deal.  I am on my feet most of the day.  I maintain the home, homeschool four kids, help with the business, care for the critters....I just don't feel like doing anything else.  When I have down time I want to be down - to lay down and read a book, check the computer, etc. 

But, I know that I should be doing this.  It is good for me.  It is really just such a low priority, though, that when I look at the things that NEED to be done (like, at least two loads of laundry every day!) that I want to get those things done and I (rapidly) lose any interest in exercise. 

I don't like this goal.  But I know it ties in with Goal #1, getting back to my Lifetime Weight Watchers weight.

I was down .6 today from last week, btw.  Slow and steady wins the race!

Anyway.  I just don't like doing it.  I could go do it right now.  I should.  It would require me changing pants, putting on my shoes, putting up my hair.  It would also require me getting off the computer. 

Okay.  I can do this.  I will do this.

I am off to go do this.  I'll tell you tomorrow how it went.